Part V: Engaging Others in .NET

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Part V: Engaging Others
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The possibility of a compelling future: In many ways, this quality is the most important of all. It is the true reason that Scarlett couldn t live without her Rhett and its absence probably explains why so many great romantic attachments end in ruins. Belief in a compelling future together (with whatever degree of excitement works for you) is the final magical ingredient that makes all the difference. If you have the trust, the communication, the acceptance, the humour, and the caring, then a compelling future together ensures that you never become bored with each other and never take each other for granted.
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Looking at Relationships with Open Eyes
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As a human being, you re born into networks of relationships and can t help but accumulate more and more as you progress through school, jobs, and the expanding relationships your family members and friends embark on. So take on board that you have many relationships already, that being in a relationship is perfectly natural to you, and that many, if not most, of your relationships are extremely effective.
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Making that first move
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What about the relationship, the one real relationship with your one true love What about that one The stakes do seem a little higher, don t they Imagine yourself for a minute on a high wire between two tall buildings. You are crossing to meet your one true love, difficult enough, but in the middle is a fire-breathing dragon of the mediaeval romance kind, and you have to get past it in order to reach your love. As luck would have it, a friendly enchantress advised you in a dream before you set out that you could placate this fiery dragon by repeating a certain magic phrase. Unfortunately, when you woke up you couldn t remember what this magic phrase is. And now here you are, just a short walk from love and fulfilment, facing the probability of certain destruction if you say the wrong thing. How confident do you feel right now How able are you to take that next step and engage this scary dragon in the make-or-break conversation
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16: Approaching Romantic Relationships
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Dating, the killing fields of confidence
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In the western world, dating has become the killing fields of the confidence of young men and women. Asking a girl out on a first date is a daunting prospect for a man and if she happens to be the woman of your dreams, it can become paralysing. How do you get yourself to make that move You can send your friend to ask her, but this is rarely effective much beyond puberty. You can hang around being nice and risk a braver chap stealing your true love if you take too long. The best way, the confident way, is to be authentic and act decisively. But how do you get yourself to pick up the phone or look her straight in the eye and speak out your request This is such a universal challenge for men that Anthony Robbins, the personal power guru, gives a dating lesson on his weekend seminar. The lesson is both brutal and funny to make the point. It culminates in Simon, a wimpish chap from the audience, up on stage asking Sarah, a beautiful, fashionably dressed young woman, to go out for a drink with him. Tough enough, but Robbins has instructed Sarah to refuse vehemently and, each time she is asked again, to pile on the agony even further. Simon is instructed to keep on asking, regardless of the answer; he is committed to the course of action regardless of the outcome. The result is predictably hilarious and after three or four refusals Sarah is running out of insults. At this point, Simon is beginning to enjoy the game and varies his approach a little, shooting sidelong glances and making gestures to the audience. He is no longer making her refusal mean anything and he is not made wrong or damaged by her response. This is a training drill, of course; in the real world he could be guilty of harassment since by now he could go on asking her out all night with impunity. But the amazing thing is that Sarah is also beginning to realise that her refusal has nothing to do with Simon whom she knows nothing about, she is merely responding to her programming. His refusal to be daunted by the situation is even attractive to her and she becomes a little curious about him despite his ordinary appearance. He is no longer just a face chosen at random from the audience but has become an emerging personality and despite the set-up, and the worst imaginable circumstances, a relationship is forming between them. This is life, this is how human beings function, and later Sarah and Simon can be seen chatting about their shared experience over a coffee. The point of all this is to illustrate how taking committed action and remaining unattached to the outcome is a very powerful strategy that can empower you in the most difficult of circumstances. I (Brinley) tried it out on the woman of my dreams as recommended and it took me six months to achieve that first date. It was worth it though, as we have just had our second child and will soon be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary.
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