14: Acting with Confidence in Your Daily Life in Visual Studio .NET

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14: Acting with Confidence in Your Daily Life
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of your new interests. Perhaps they ll make occasional sarcastic comments, come up with some criticism, change the subject, or go quiet when you mention your achievements. Hold firm. Have you heard the saying: Use it or lose it Well, if you don t use your confidence, you lose it. You return to those old back-seat patterns and habits that don t serve you well. In order to stand firm with your loved ones: Listen with respect to their viewpoint and connect with the feelings that underlie their words. Acknowledge the change that is happening for them and what they feel they have lost. Provide lots of reassurance that although you may behave differently, you still love and care about them. Come up with ideas together to make the change easier. It s okay to stick to your guns you function more healthily if you are as generous to yourself as you are to other people. Stress that you re still you, but you ve grown and developed and won t go back now. Your change can act as a catalyst, spurring changes in those around you. Look to help your friends, family, and associates change if they want to while accepting them as they are without any pressure on them to change.
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Finding the confidence to rise above
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Once you put yourself on the line, you may find people are envious of the choices you have created for yourself. When I (Kate) wrote my first book and sent it off to the publishers, I made a conscious decision to let go of it knowing that I had done my best with my current knowledge and time constraints. Thus, I was better prepared for any negative reviews or comments. They still hurt a bit, but I aimed to take them as useful feedback for the next edition or the next book. It s important to rise above any negative criticism, stay true to yourself, and hold onto your own choices. You can t please all the people all the time, however hard you try.
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Part IV: Communicating Your Confidence
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This exercise helps you take a broader perspective on the whole of your life. It s particularly useful when you are struggling through a tough patch. In your mind s eye: 1. Picture a line that represents your life past, present, and future. Allow it to take any shape, colour, and form that feels right for you. 2. Step into a helicopter, a plane, or onto the wings of a bird so that you can rise above the line and look down comfortably from this distance on where you are now. 3. Ask yourself: What s important right now And wait for the answer to come. 4. Take that answer, hold onto it, and drop back down into the moment knowing that any time you can take yourself back up when you need to.
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Reinforcing the Assertive You
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Many people mistake being assertive with being aggressive. When you acknowledge, trust, and value your own thoughts and feelings, you re on the way to being assertive. When you exaggerate and generalise, judge and attack, you re heading down the aggressive route. Aggressive statements are judgemental and don t own the speaker s feelings. Assertive behaviour means you own your feelings. Table 14-2 gives you some examples.
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Table 14-2
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Aggressive
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Assertive versus Aggressive Statements
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Assertive
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This piece of work needs some refinement to make the key points stand out clearly, please look at the structure again. I really want to see this area tidied up. I feel angry when you shout and stop listening to me.
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This homework is rubbish, you never get it right. You really ought to sort this mess out. You are an angry person and you make me feel angry.
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Assertiveness training focuses on helping people to develop assertive behaviours as building blocks to self-confidence. One of the
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