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While there are many forms of control, what I call the Lone Ranger syndrome is one of the most prevalent in our highly independent culture Control often occurs within the context of a relationship, but as in Rita s case, it can cause people to work alone and work much harder than they would with a good team Rita is a brilliant entrepreneur After hearing about the value of owning real estate, she hardly blinked before purchasing a few properties for herself, smartly using other people s 138
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The Illusion of Control money to complete the transactions Then, using the equity in her new homes, she started three new, and very different, businesses Many people do what Rita has done, and some would say that she s very successful She has money to spare and an exciting life But when we met, she wasn t happy She worked 60 hours or more a week and had the social life of a zombie She had constructed for herself the most elegantly satin-lined cof n, and she was tired of living in it Rita s problem was that she was leaning heavily toward the scarcity side of control Everything she did, she did alone Whenever she took the risk of hiring someone, she couldn t leave them alone Within weeks, and sometimes sooner, her new hire would fail in some grand fashion, validating Rita s belief that bad things would happen if she didn t maintain control of every detail Was she Living into her Greatness No, not even close The poor girl was always so nervous about losing her carefully constructed empire that she started developing physical symptoms of stress she was easily irritated, frequently tired, and unable to focus her attention on any one thing for more than a few minutes As you ll see, Rita didn t have all the conditioned patterns of control, but the Illusion of Control certainly kept her from doing what she could do in some of the more important parts of her life
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Success isn t a result of spontaneous combustion You must set yourself on re ARNOLD GLASCOW
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The Conditioned Patterns of Control
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If your house is on re, warm yourself by it SPANISH PROVERB
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I met a woman recently who d gone through a series of relationships with very needy men She wanted to complain about the men, but I wouldn t allow her No, I said There s a very good reason these needy men are drawn to you She was a classic Caretaker She maintained control of her world by taking care of others As long as there was someone who was more needy than she, she d be there in full force, ready to take on whatever suffering or pain necessary to help the other person feel better She s the sort of person who watches her ex-boyfriends move on to vibrant, healthy relationships with other women
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A Caretaker derives her identity from transforming others to t her view of herself
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It s a good idea to stay away from Caretakers because in the midst of their control is a person who feels desperately in need of attention If I accept their care, there s a price to be paid, and it isn t pretty They ll eventually make me responsible for their happiness, and I m not willing to take it on The Caretaking pattern often develops because a child will feel responsible for the emotional or physical well-being of a parent Thus begins an endless pursuit for happiness that (apparently) can only be obtained by taking care of others Ultimately, it becomes a form of control controlling one s own emotional state by projecting feelings onto someone else, and controlling relationships through a subtle form of emotional bribery: I ll take your pain away if you agree to take my pain away The problem is that it never works and it always back res Nobody likes being bribed or controlled, and sooner or later the Caretaking will be resented And, just in case you re thinking about people like Mother Teresa, that s not the kind of Caretaking to which I m referring She was a shrewd businesswoman who played hardball when necessary to get things done She helped those in desperate need, but she wasn t a Caretaker 140
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The Illusion of Control A Caretaker uses this pattern to avoid personal responsibility for her or his own emotions and situation, and attempts to get outside help by taking care of others It is giving with a major agenda Caretakers focus responsibility outward, while making it appear as if the motives were altruistic They attempt to make others better (control) without ever having to face themselves They stay small and humble but never really Live into their Greatness or do the things they really can do The subtle differences between Empathy and Caretaking are important In business, you want your employees and peers to generally care about each other Watch closely, though The Caretaker will often fall behind in his or her own duties (and self-care) because he s more focused on helping others The Empathetic person also takes personal responsibility for caring for himself and completing his own work That is, the Empathetic person has no need to live through others but is able to help those in need The Caretaker gets his or her sense of well-being through the act of caring for others If she had nobody to care for, she would not know what to do As a coach or manager, there is often a tendency to take on other people s problems It is easier for us to do something ourselves because it will be done right It is easier to coach the coachee around a solution to their problem than to go deeper and explore why a solution is needed in the rst place Caretaking is a socially acceptable way to be and remain a surface dweller, and a very convenient excuse for not Living into Greatness SOME CONDITIONED BELIEFS OF CARETAKING Caretaking is not only socially acceptable; in some circles it is expected Let s contrast two beliefs: Whatever I give will be returned to me tenfold You cannot give what you have not got (Originated by Horace) Both, in my experience, are true Yet, Caretakers focus on the rst by disregarding the second They give, hoping that they will receive abundance in return Unfortunately, they often give what they have not got themselves, and so the giving is done from the perspective of scarcity What they get in return is more scarcity Here are a few conditioned beliefs of Caretakers: 141
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COACHING INTO GREATNESS As long as others are suffering, I cannot enjoy life myself I feel better when I take care of others (when used as a way to mask one s own loneliness or self-hatred) I am responsible for the happiness of those around me When everyone else feels good, I feel good The clue to Caretaking is the direction of one s focus when seeking happiness: internal or external Caretakers attempt to control the wellbeing or happiness of others as a way to feel better themselves Thus, they almost never really do what they can do in their own lives THE CONDITIONED PATTERN OF ROLE-PLAYING
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No sooner do we think we have assembled a comfortable life than we nd a piece of ourselves that has no place to t in GAIL SHEEHY
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The roles we play are like magic robes They hide and protect us from all the nasty things that threaten our safe worlds It s much easier to push aside a snide remark when we re simply playing a role But if someone jabs at your authentic thinking or actions, it feels like you ve been sliced in two Have you ever worn a Halloween costume that completely masked your identity I have, and it gives me a sense of power and control over the situation that I didn t feel when it was just me I could do things, say things, and act differently The roles we play are no more than costumes, but they give us the same feeling of control as a physical costume Role-Playing, like all patterns, can have a positive or negative side Clark Gable said that he had played the role of the dashing gentleman so often that he became that dashing gentleman If we emulate those we admire long enough, we ll eventually think and act more like them while maintaining authenticity However, most people don t take this conscious route Instead, they unconsciously wear masks that serve to protect them from outside dangers and keep them from doing what they can do
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Role-Playing is characterized by the persistent obligation to be who you think the world should see but often may not be who you are at all
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Role-Playing is characterized by an identi cation with what we think the rest of the world wants to see Within the safety of the role, we create 142
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The Illusion of Control well-de ned lists of what we can or can t do, and these lists are almost always limiting For example, do you know any nice people These nice folks are often the ones who blow up if pushed hard enough The niceness is a role that s played to maintain a sense of control They ll avoid taking risks because they don t want to hurt anyone (meaning, primarily, themselves) Some roles are handed to us by our family, but most we create to control the external world Middle children often end up as mediators, older children as leaders, and the youngest children as rebels Bossy people are often the most insecure Habitually shy people control their world by remaining hidden from the dangers that lurk outside These roles are not who we truly are The chief executive of cer (CEO) might feel obliged to ignore the thoughts of others The factory worker might in turn feel obliged to feel morally superior to the CEO Any time we play a role that becomes an excuse for not doing what we can do, that role is a conditioned pattern of scarcity We often become so attached to our roles that ditching the role feels like running naked through a crowded room We put ourselves in narrow cages with very little light It feels safe but offers little opportunity for expansion Where does the Role-Playing come from We re conditioned not to trust that who we are is worthy, important, or good enough We feel safer in the role than outside the role The danger of dropping the role is that our greatest fears will be revealed as the truth Am I really stupid, ugly, insigni cant, bad, not good enough, or unimportant Will anyone love me if I drop all illusions of who I think I am, or who I pretend to be Some roles are culturally conditioned Are women in certain cultures less capable than the men in those cultures Should a child be seen and not heard Will a good wife support her husband but expect no support in return Am I un-American if I question the decisions of our leadership Again, if any of these roles keep us from doing what we can do, they are patterns of scarcity A role feels like the path of least resistance, but in reality it creates more resistance It s not natural, and it s counterintuitive We assume that things will run more smoothly when we are in the safety of the role Instead, we are faced with even greater obstacles The Caretaker feels safe, but unful lled The problem solver creates more problems to solve The mediator (nice guy) gets used and abused The leader feels isolated 143
COACHING INTO GREATNESS The follower accomplishes little in life The perfectionist accomplishes even less CONDITIONED BELIEFS OF ROLE-PLAYING Roles are played out at a very subconscious level However, the underlying beliefs are very easy to nd You ll discover these beliefs in matter-of-fact statements, such as: I m naturally shy I m a go-getter I m not afraid of anything I m just a follower by nature THE CONDITIONED PATTERN OF SELF-DEFENSE