THE CONDITIONED PATTERNS OF COMPARISONS in Java

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THE CONDITIONED PATTERNS OF COMPARISONS
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He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away RAYMOND HULL
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External Drivers
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The Conditioned Patterns of Comparisons
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THE CONDITIONED PATTERN OF EXTERNAL DRIVERS It s simple, and it starts early in our lives We see really happy kids on TV and think that we ll be just as happy if we get that cool toy Mom tells 86
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The Illusion of Comparisons Johnny that she d really like him to be more like Bill, his older brother We notice that a certain type of kid seems to get all the attention, or that we get a little more attention if we act in certain ways We re conditioned to be motivated by External Drivers pretty much from the day we re born Studies have shown that as a rule, boy babies aren t held or cuddled as much as girl babies Clearly, boys are supposed to be one way and girls another (and, no, I don t think males and females are from different planets!) These and other conditioned patterns soon form in which our interpretation of who we are and the Capacity we have is dependent on outside sources These are the External Drivers that dictate who we are and of what we are capable Eileen, can t seem to make a decision without rst evaluating all the External Drivers, which include: The anticipated opinions of others Her odds of succeeding, based on a comparison of others making similar decisions Social norms and standards What she currently has or doesn t have (resources, knowledge, experience) These External Drivers tell Eileen what she should or shouldn t do She s like a poor little ping-pong ball, smacked from one side of the table to the other on the basis of opinions, thoughts, ideas, circumstances, and customs that are for the most part irrelevant to her decision
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External Drivers are characterized by the interpretation that who you are is dependent on sources outside of yourself people, circumstances, or events
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External Drivers are: Other people What they have that we want What they want that we have Their intelligence, knowledge, experience, or success Their upbringing versus ours Their history or past experiences Their opinions or views of the world 87
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COACHING INTO GREATNESS What they do or don t do (do we follow the crowd, or not ) Their permission (we often ask for advice as a means of getting permission) Events and circumstances Past failures (ours or others) Past successes (ours or others) World events for one person, a recession offers tremendous opportunity for growing a business; for another, it s a sign to close shop quickly Natural disasters (good or bad luck ) Opinions about trends (see the example below) Societal norms and standards What works or doesn t work (according to societal de nitions) Religious tenets or beliefs What we learn from our parents ( Kids today are so lazy ) Clearly, I could go on It just goes to show how truly remarkable it is that anything new ever gets invented or accomplished Here s a little bit of truth I ve learned through experience: Every time you focus on External Drivers you lose power the power to be yourself, to be great People will believe all sorts of falsehoods and call them the truth just because they ve been repeated for decades Take these, for example: Coming in second is never good enough I have to be number one, or I m not even going to try How else will I know if I m doing okay if I don t compare myself to others There s no way I ll ever be as good as _____ ( ll in the blank) I won t believe it can be done until I ve seen someone else do it I should care what others think Every time I did it my way, I failed; so why bother trying I have to heed the advice of others I can t see my own blind spots And, of course, The grass is always greener THE CONDITIONED PATTERN OF PERSONALIZATION
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When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world DON MIGUEL RUIZ
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The Illusion of Comparisons Don t take things so personally, he said Ha! How can I not take it personally when he said that he didn t think I was quali ed for the job Sound familiar How we are conditioned to take things personally I call this the conditioned pattern of Personalization That is, we re like sponges sucking up the criticism, comments, or experiences of others as if they had anything to do with who we really are I have a friend whose sister called him by the nickname ugly all through middle school That s a pretty vulnerable age, so it was natural
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Personalization is characterized by consistently taking on the opinions and beliefs of others as the ultimate truth, even when those beliefs feel contradictory to our inner knowing
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for him to enter high school with the rm belief that he was, indeed, ugly Personalization is about identi cation We hear something said about us, and we decide that it must be true We identify with the comment, even if we can joke about it at the time We end up making other people s experiences into our experiences! It s the emotional equivalent of carrying some part of everyone else s suitcases That s a lot of baggage to cart around It s not that we re taught to Personalize everything But, we re not taught how to de ect these comments and see the truth How many kids have been traumatized by a parent who said in anger, Stop being so stupid Said often enough, we become stupid Developmentally, we understand that children initially see everything as a part of themselves There s no separation Slowly, they begin to see that mom is separate, dad is separate, and the rest of the external world is not me If they re fortunate enough to be reinforced in the natural development of an individual ego, they learn to separate me from not me Unfortunately, this doesn t happen fully for most people So, we end up Personalizing just about everything that goes on around us, especially comments from others This is unfortunate because we end up being controlled by the opinions of others We re just not ourselves In fact, we re trying to be them Say I m at my home in Massachusetts, and you re at your home in San Diego, California I look outside at the six inches of snow on the ground, call you, and say, It s so cold out today! 89
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COACHING INTO GREATNESS You giggle, replying, You silly girl It s really quite a warm and lovely day You re always so negative about everything Now, I can Personalize your comment, even though I know it really is cold where I am I ll think, Yes, I do tend to be negative And, off to the conditioned pattern races we go The conditioned pattern of Personalization is this pervasive and this subtle I certainly wouldn t think, I m now going to Personalize her comment I end up seeing the world through your eyes instead of my own because I m so concerned about what you think After all, you re my friend, so I trust and respect your valued opinion See if some of these beliefs sound familiar: My friends (or family) know me better than I know myself I can t help but take things personally I m just sensitive They must know better They re more experienced (smarter, more knowledgeable) Feedback is important I don t know what I d do without honest feedback If it s important to him, it s important to me
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THE CONDITIONED PATTERN OF BUSYNESS Have you ever had one of those days when you ve felt like you ve run around like a madwoman, but at the end of the day can t for the life of you remember what you accomplished Me, too Bob Proctor tells the story of having lunch with Earl Nightingale and asking him how he manages to get so much accomplished in a short day He asked how on earth Nightingale did so well with managing his time Earl laughed Nobody can manage time, he said Time can t be managed What I do is manage my activities We have so many activities to manage! All the time-saving devices of the late twentieth century have given us far more things to do, and of course all of them are extremely important, or so it seems We re conditioned to be busy from a very young age Imagine the child who dares to sit idly in class, daydreaming about someday being president or a major league baseball player He or she will, of course, be told to stop that silly daydreaming and to do something productive 90
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