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often been taken up by other professionals, as when Yorick Spiegel, a pastoral theologian, went so far as to relate four stages to a time period following bereavement: an immediate stage of shock lasting a few hours, a postimmediate stage of three to seven days much under local cultural control, a transitional phase of up to three months, and a re-patterning of life taking people up to six months after bereavement (1977)
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An unfortunate consequence of K bler-Ross s work was that many turned these responses of the terminally ill into relatively xed stages of grief in bereaved people What started out as the response of those pondering their own death was turned into a set of stages of grief for people suffering the loss of loved ones This reapplication is itself a telling marker in the history of death, for K bler-Ross became popular just when death was becoming increasingly professionalized and less domestic, happening more to the increasingly old than to the young I suggest that from the 1960s people in western, urban, societies were becoming increasingly less familiar with death and, in the absence of personal experience, some, especially literate and normally well-informed professional people, found this kind of technical study of real use in lling an experience-gap in their lives While a degree of information is always useful it can, however, become problematic if individuals are told that there are stages of grief that they should experience while, in fact, they do not do so The variability of human response makes any formula hazardous It is wiser, perhaps, to think of these and any other responses to the loss of people as more like colours and patterns in a kaleidoscope that vary from day to day even though they may all be present but not central to view at any one moment
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32 Parting s Sweet Sorrow
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Another approach to loss and grief, that of Wolfgang and Margaret Stroebe (1987), focuses on the support networks that maintain most of us in a relatively healthy state most of the time Though many experience balanced and complementary relationships, some individuals are very dependent upon an extremely narrow support-base as, for example, where a wife did not go to work and experience a distinct network there Her husband may have taken most major decisions, including economic ones, within the household and with his death she loses the very centre of her system of support It simply fades away The Stroebes theory exempli es the idea of learned helplessness , describing how people come to think of themselves as helpless in the face of certain circumstances or demands, in this case of bereavement In terms of adapting to death this approach encourages people to begin to evaluate their situation and take responsibility for themselves and come, if possible, to gain a new sense of identity through new activities and circles of friends
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Grief may also in uence wider social life, as in David Aberbach s argument that early bereavement may in uence adult personality in terms of the sociological notion of charisma and the charismatic personality (1989, 1996) His highly speculative theory supposes that the loss of a parent or cherished relative early in life can leave a person with a sense of abandonment that, in adult life, is compensated for by the support of many followers He saw this pattern at work in some religious and political leaders who, in complex ways largely unknown even to themselves, seek followers and present themselves as worthy of being followed While this is a complex topic open to serious criticism it cannot be ignored Aberbach wonders, for example, just how Parting s Sweet Sorrow 33
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the extensive and intense grief experienced by Hitler after the death of his mother, dying of cancer and whom he nursed during the nal part of her illness, in uenced his joining an antiSemitic society soon after her death Hitler s political rhetoric itself adopted the dramatic language of referring to the Jews as a cancer needing to be cut out if mother-Germany was to be saved (Aberbach 1996: 28) A charismatic leader needs a following and there are contexts in which people need a leader One such, as Aberbach also describes, was Germany after the First World War when a defeated people hardly possessed a family untouched by war-related death In a society wracked with bereavement and the humiliation of defeat as Germany was after 1918, the need for well-being and unity can become especially pressing, and can point the way to dictatorship (Aberbach 1996: 30) Here death becomes one integral element amidst several others and shows something of the complexity of human existence and how mortality and survival become explicitly powerful in the life of nations and, as it happened, the subsequent death of millions more in the drive for conquest This extreme example is but one end of a spectrum of bereavement at the other end of which we have some like Tolstoy who lost his parents when young, with his brother and some other children dying later, all of which, in his case, made him realize the importance of belonging (Gustavson 1986: 13)
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