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Getting by with some help from your friends
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A good friend or confidant can help you to see your situation more dispassionately than you can alone. If you re having rows and fights with your partner, it may help you to try to step outside (dis-associate from) the situation and try to see it as a third party might. Remember, every human relationship involves at least two people, two histories, and two sets of strategies some of which may be helpful and others not.
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Part V: Engaging Others
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Be prepared to learn from your current experience, not just what to do for your partner but core facts about yourself: How you operate, what pushes your buttons, and so on. Just because you feel hurt or abused right now doesn t mean that you will necessarily always feel this way. You can take learning from your own life and from others. Knowing that you managed to accommodate such problems before or that you know someone who has successfully dealt with a similar situation can give you hope in the darkest times. Above all, remember that you and your partner are both doing your best at some level. All human interaction is a kind of miracle and building a romantic, long-term relationship is an art that can take a lifetime to perfect. In a relationship, the journey is much more important than the destination. Like Greek tragedies even the very best romantic relationships are all destined to end someday, usually with one partner feeling abandoned and in tears. This is the price you pay for romantic love; if you re smart, you make sure it is a price worth paying by extracting as much joy and fulfilment from your romantic union as possible.
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Eliciting Your Love Strategy
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How useful would it be to be able to reach out with love to your partner when she or he needs it the most And how wonderful would it be if your partner had a sure-fire way of making you feel totally loved in those precise moments when you feel alone against the world You can learn to do this, and it isn t that difficult. You re a creature of habit; you have to be or you d find it extremely difficult to operate efficiently in this highly complex world. Once you find a way to get somewhere, or have a need met, you tend to stick to that method for the rest of your life. You like the same foods at 50 that you liked at 25 (despite complaining they may not like you as much), you listen to the same styles of music and support the same football teams. More subtly, you have habitual strategies for doing almost anything, such as deciding what to eat off a menu, getting yourself motivated (or in the mood), even feeling emotions. Strangest of all, you have a time- and experience-honoured method for feeling loved: this is your love strategy. Allowing yourself to feel loved by another person is an essential ingredient of a romantic relationship, and something you do quite naturally. But unless you know how you do this, your partner can
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16: Approaching Romantic Relationships
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never achieve it at will, and may feel shut-out by you when you are feeling unlovable. And, you may be at your least resourceful when you need reassurance of your lovableness the most. So how do you find out how you allow yourself to feel loved Unless you re familiar with the methods of neuro-linguistic programming or have participated in a personal development programme on strategy elicitation, you probably haven t a clue. Rest assured, it s an easy thing to work out if you follow some simple steps. The following steps are easier to run through with an intimate friend or someone else you trust who can work with you to guide you through the stages. 1. Associate. Eliciting your strategy isn t something you can do in the abstract, so the very first thing you need to do is think of a specific time when you had strong feelings of being loved by someone, it doesn t matter who, and let the memory and its associated feelings flood over you. Let this happen over a few minutes, re-live the moment and intensify your feelings as far as you are able. When you feel fully associated with that specific time, you are ready for Step 2. 2. Answer questions. Staying in your associated state, answer the following questions. (This step is easier if you have someone else to ask you the questions and note down your answers.) In order for you to feel loved is it absolutely necessary for the other person to show you he/she loves you by: Taking you someplace If so, where (To your favourite restaurant for example, or out to meet your loved one s family ) Buying you something If so, what sort of thing (An expensive gift perhaps, or some token chosen with care ) Looking at you in some specific way Telling you that you are loved in a certain way (voice tonality, volume, closeness) Touching you in a certain way (place, pressure, duration) Demonstrate exactly how.
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