Choosing your own view of romance in Visual Studio .NET

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Choosing your own view of romance
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Despite being removed from real life, these fantastic, romantic stories exert a powerful influence on you through the media of film, TV, and novels. So, unless misery and pain are in your values hierarchy, you are going to benefit from taking control of what romance
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Part V: Engaging Others
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means for you from now on. This section helps you to do that and renders you better able to take those scary first steps. Take a few minutes right now to identify the things you most want in a romantic, loving relationship, and make yourself a list of the top half-dozen. It doesn t matter whether you were together for one evening or have been married for 20 years. Think about your romantic relationships right now and summarise one or two, in one paragraph, in totally dispassionate language, as in the following examples: When we got together, our respective friends were amazed. We were so different from each other and so different from our partners in previous relationships. Few people, if any, thought it would last with a 16-year age difference, and although it hasn t been easy for us, 10 years later we are still happy and have two beautiful daughters. We grew up in the same neighbourhood with similar family backgrounds. In public I appear to be the sociable and impulsive one while my partner provides the counterbalance of quiet rationality. We felt a strong bond from our first date and have been inseparable for over 30 years. You shouldn t need to do this more than a couple relationships before you realise that when you strip out the drama from a reallife romantic relationship, what you end up with is people rubbing along together in a perfectly natural and predictable way for better or worse much like all human relationships in all walks of life. The point is, you know how to do this; you ve been doing it all your life. Never confuse romance with drama. Be aware that the destructive, all-consuming passions and downright bad behaviour of Scarlett O Hara and Rhett Butler are not what long-term romantic relationships are about.
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Realising What Really Matters
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In preparation for this chapter, we spoke to many men and women about what really matters most in a romantic relationship. People have their own views and preferences, of course, but when it comes down to the few things that really matter, most people s top three are: Trust: Everyone wants to be able to trust and wants to be trusted. This doesn t simply mean avoiding cheating and barefaced lying. It includes subtler forms of not being
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16: Approaching Romantic Relationships
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straightforward such as withholding and avoidance. White lies are acceptable to some people and not to others. What matters most is that you establish the parameters of trust specific to your relationship and stick to them. Communication: You want to be able to say anything you feel the need to say and expect your partner to feel the same freedom. In addition, you need to be willing to share your important feelings and expect your partner to do the same. Women don t see bottling up things that should be communicated as manly; rather, they see it as a form of withholding or lying. Acceptance: Deep inside, everyone harbours a little neurosis. If you re like most people, you don t quite match up to the image you hold of yourself, try as you might, so you worry about not being good enough. Couples in great relationships accept each other, warts and all. Where are passion and drama in this list of priorities It turns out that although most people like a little excitement now and again, intense situations are such a double-edged sword that they don t usually make it onto the must-have list. It s a bit like the farmer s description of New York City: nice place to visit; wouldn t want to live there . In this case, perhaps there is a different, lighter form of romantic relating one that can be uplifting and fun but that avoids the deep pitfalls that so often trap the traditional romantic heroes and heroines. If you like the idea of this romance-lite , you can build it on the top three must-haves and by adding the following factors necessary for an uplifting and fun-filled, romantic relationship: A sense of humour: It may surprise you to know that being funny is very sexy, especially when accompanied by selfconfidence. Women find a funny, confident man just as irresistible as a drop-dead gorgeous guy who takes himself too seriously. Likewise, men enjoy women who are funny and enjoy a good laugh. Thoughtfulness and caring: A partner who is aware of your needs and takes the trouble to make sure they are being met is a partner who is very reassuring as long as the care isn t taken to extremes. Good partners are also aware of their own needs and ensure that these are being met as well. Being thoughtful goes along with acceptance and includes caring about anything that is important to the loved one, including parents, siblings, children, the environment even the 1957 Cadillac awaiting restoration in the garage.
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