12: Raising Your Voice in VS .NET

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12: Raising Your Voice
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Table 12-1
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Integrity Checklist
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Actions that Reduce Your Personal Power and Confidence
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Failing to back up your words with actions Acting or speaking in a way that causes real harm to others Acting superior to others or browbeating someone weaker than yourself Failing to act in the right way because no one is watching Not giving of your best Not following your conscience
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Actions that Increase Your Personal Power and Confidence
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Honouring your word and keeping your promises Being honest with yourself and with others Accepting people as they are and judging only their actions Treating others with respect and candour Letting people know where you stand on important issues Being genuine and transparent with people. Not deceiving through silence or inaction Being true to your values and purpose Living up to your standards and always doing the right thing Admitting and accepting your own mistakes Saying what you mean and meaning what you say Walking your talk
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Not practising what you preach Manipulating or misleading others (or yourself) Telling white lies to look good or to avoid looking bad Using bluff or bluster to get your own way Pretending to be anything other than your authentic self
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Having difficult conversations
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So, you ve opened your new integrity account and are determined to take only those actions that increase your power and confidence. Then your wife comes into the room wearing a new outfit that makes her look dumpy and sad. How do I look she asks (at this point you mentally run down a few relevant items on your list: being honest, saying what you mean, treating others with respect, not speaking in a way that causes harm to others). What do you do
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Part IV: Communicating Your Confidence
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Only you know the honest answer to this. The scenario is a set-up, of course, and deliberately difficult. It would have been a lot better all round to share your new insights and intentions with your partner before she asked you the fateful question. But the harsh truth you may discover here is that the communication in many of your relationships lacks integrity, and that damages the relationship more than you may realise. At some level, your wife knows that she doesn t look good in the outfit. She may even have known that in the shop but felt obliged to follow through with the helpful assistant who was lying through her teeth in order to make the sale. If so, your wife is really asking you to make the situation okay. If you say she looks good and leave it at that, you are cheating her just like the sales assistant did. When she wears the outfit to a function and hates the way she looks in it, where does that leave you So, before this can happen, it s better to have authenticity conversations with your family, friends, and work colleagues, during which you tell them that you re focusing on how to be more confident and powerful in the world and what this means about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Ask them to help you by being equally honest with you and keeping you true to your word. You may be surprised how your public repositioning in this way changes the dynamics of your relationships and gives them much more integrity. And if you really want to take on the full restoration of your integrity, you can also go back to friends and colleagues from your past where your relationships suffered through lack of integrity on your part and acknowledge it. Don t get into the blame game, even if the other person wants to. Just a simple acknowledgement will do: I just want you to know that I enjoyed most of our time together and, even though it ended badly, those good times were important to me. Try this and you ll be amazed by how it makes you feel. You can stand taller and be more present in the world directly as a result.
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