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CHAPTER SUMMARY
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He who grasps loses TAO TE CHING
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Control is an attempt to line up the world to meet our shoulds You cannot give what you don t have Any time we play a role that becomes an excuse for not doing what we can do, that role is a conditioned pattern of scarcity Surrender happens when you re in action, doing all that you can do, and letting go of those things outside of your control Vulnerability is the ability to live into what you already have, as you grow into the greatness that already is For additional information and chapter resources, visit http://www coachingintogreatnesscom/the_illusion_of_control
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CHAPTER NINE
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The Illusion of Time
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No snow ake ever falls in the wrong place ZEN SAYING
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For two years I watched helplessly as my mom transformed from a vibrant, exuberant human being to a jaundiced, agonizingly thin rack of skin and bones The cancer had metastasized to her liver Her eyes were sunken to dull, lightless orbs She was tired of ghting the disease, and so were the rest of us In the nal eight months of her life, I found myself wishing she would die That sounds awful, doesn t it What kind of a daughter would wish that on her mother For a long time after her death, I thought of myself as a horrible, unloving person People who ve lost someone to a slow, debilitating disease like cancer know what I m talking about A dying process like that not only strips the health and vitality from someone you love, but also their dignity and grace It is a heartbreaking experience that feels in the moment neverending For eight long months, I wished my mother would simply go, and with her this impenetrable knot of suffering that felt like death for all of us I remember the moment she died like it was an hour ago I was in the study hall, relaxing from our wonderful evening the previous day We d watched TV, laughing at the ridiculous sitcoms, just as we had before 161
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COACHING INTO GREATNESS her illness I clearly remember a strange feeling, and when I glanced at the clock, I knew what had happened I just knew she was gone Two hours later, I left the school building and saw my dad waiting for me He almost never came to school, so it wasn t hard to gure out what had happened I d already felt the loss the huge hole that kept expanding with each tick of the clock and nearly knocked me over when I saw him Even now, 21 years later, I can feel the pain of that moment It took me a long time to get over my feelings of guilt for wishing my mother would die Therapists told me it was a normal reaction to such a traumatic situation It didn t feel normal to me Time stood still, and the guilt remained with me for years Time, in fact, had become my enemy I raced against it, trying to run from the pain of my loss But time, as we shall see, plays many tricks
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THE DYNAMICS OF TIME
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Later never exists ANONYMOUS
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When we re born, we don t get an owner s manual for our minds We create reality through the focus of our attention and by our thoughts We create stories, one right after the other, about who we are and what we can or can t do We create stories about time as well Time is too short Time is too long When it comes to time, we re much like the three bears, except that the just right time forever eludes us People who are bored by life will say that time moves too slowly People who are fearful that they may miss out on something important say that time moves by too quickly They re all just stories we make up, like I did, to push away what we don t want Our perception of time can be a great source of unhappiness or joy, scarcity or abundance We choose, moment by moment, second by second, whether time will be a prison, or a catapult to doing what we can do
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The Illusion of Time is characterized by focusing on what you don t have instead of on what you do have
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The Illusion of Time How is it that we sometimes lose the sense of time, and then in other instances we re acutely aware of it Has time suddenly changed course, like a car weaving its way through winding streets Time does not change We change That is, our perception of time changes according to our thoughts, our moods, and more importantly, whether we re running from or moving with life s events We will sometimes say that time is relative That s just another story we tell to avoid the truth of who we are Time isn t relative, but our relationship to time changes
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The sense of time creates stress, pressure, anxiety, fear and endless disgruntlement in a myriad of ways DAVID HAWKINS
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Time becomes a prison when it becomes too little or not enough We re either rushed by time or, as I was with my mother, cursing the slowness of time When I refer to the Illusion of Time, I m not saying that time itself is an illusion Time simply is what it is, never changing We create an Illusion of Time by giving time the power to dictate what we can or can t do We abuse time by focusing on what we don t have instead of what s here and now So many people spend their creative energy looking backward in longing or regret or wistfulness, or looking forward with hope, worry, or anxiety In this way, by focusing on what we don t have, we hold the present hostage The present is unique because it s the only opportunity we have to do the things we can do Right now Right here And yet, we ferry away our precious, unchanging time for a variety of reasons, which I explore in this chapter We end up hiding in the past or the future We venture into the past in a futile attempt to change it or to relive it We want freedom from the pain, or to hold on to pleasure Time keeps moving, anyway, and it offers us no handholds When we can t nd relief in the past, we y into the future Don t get me wrong here I totally believe in imagining your future as a way to visualize and clarify what you want to create, but most of us simply fantasize without any real plan or Intention of ful lling these fantasies Time plays tricks with us On one of my research and development (R&D) calls, someone commented, When I love something that I m doing, it seems that time goes by so quickly; and when I m doing something that bores me to tears or that I hate doing, it takes me forever We can get lost in daydreams for what seems like hours but takes only a few minutes A pleasurable job is over in seconds A laborious task, like 163
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COACHING INTO GREATNESS scraping ice off your sidewalk, might take hours Yet, when we check the clock, the same amount of time has passed What s going on within our overactive minds Our relationship to time has everything to do with attitude, beliefs, and focus of attention When we re worried, scared, or unfocused, time takes forever When we re excited, positive, and focused, time ies by Again, the Illusion of Time is the illusion that some sort of magical elixir for feeling better exists either in the past or the future It s a magic there that doesn t actually exist We look for truth behind us and ahead of us but never look exactly where it is all the time right here, right now, in us It s estimated that we have between 50,000 and 75,000 thoughts a day, and for the majority of people, over 90 percent of these thoughts are repetitive That s a lot of wasted energy and attention! What would be the impact to your business and your life if you could recapture and redirect even 10 percent of that wasted energy Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, says that all the things that truly matter arise from beyond the mind He s right, and by the end of this chapter, you ll come away understanding how you can recapture a lot of wasted energy in a sense, recapturing time
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